We all have the two birds that sit on our shoulders. Hunnin and Munin. Or as other religions state, devil on the left and God on the right. (But I’m huge into mythology and very spiritual.) Hunin represents our thoughts & emotions…Our heart none the less. Then Muninn is our mind. Our intellect, reasoning, information all around gut and logic. And when those two fight our souls feel weak and unattended for. For my heart and mind have been at it for about a year and it literally feels like your soul is being ripped into two halves. Half where you “should be” and the other Half “what you want”. It’s extremely painful in the realm of anxieties. But recently my mind won because ultimately I knew my heart needed to let go of what it tasted. I feel so much lighter, so now I’m listening to Munin. And what he’s asking of me is hard as hell, but deep down I know it’s for the best. Being I can sense and feel things that aren’t normal to most people, I know where I am headed in life but it is so hard to push myself to get there. My heart holds onto what it feels its connected to with a death grip. My mind literally has my heart on a leash and I feel like its just pulling it like a dog who doesn’t want to go for a walk. How do you blindfold Hunnin (your heart) for the time being?
There is so much to accomplish and grow in a few years time before time slips away and I lose where I am supposed to be in a few years. But I feel like my feathers have been trimmed and I can’t fly.
I’ve done rather well at bringing my positivity back to life. To paint almost everyday. Practicing my typography and guitar. For someone who’s ADD, suffers from depression and anxiety, I’m keeping rather busy and feel quite happy & content, but I feel like I have not accomplished anything.
I have the tools, I have the resources, I have slight inspiration, but….it’s always but….I can feel my soul screaming to break free and to be all it can be, for it sides more with the Munin then Hunnin.
My main motivation in life is I want those close to me to be proud of me. To accomplish the list of goals I’ve created for myself. But in order to do so my Heart can’t have a mind of its own. It needs to redirect its love to thyself and let the mind work on what needs to happen in life. I’m not saying I don’t love my life or myself and who I’ve become, because I love who I am dearly and I love my life, and where I am at. It is a shame however, no one can ever feel the same about me as I do myself but that’s besides the point. Yeah to a point, It’d be nice to know that it’s possible but honestly when you’re 30 and you’ve been where I’ve been and experienced what I have and heard the worst, you get to the point in your life where you just want to know you can do this alone before you even look in that direction for a very long time. Some people need someone in their life in order to be happy. I don’t. I strive on success and friendships. I realized that years ago.
If I’m not constantly growing and learning new things at work, I start to feel…numb & bored. I need to feel a purpose with my work and where I am working at. I need to know I am making a difference and helping others around me. I don’t work to work. I work to grow and to help those around me. Living paycheck to paycheck is only worth it when you’re happy with what you are doing. It’s why I need to get back to ME again. And that is with the arts…I love cooking but it’s not currently where “Munin” says I need growth.
First step to change is to break out of this funk I’m in. Start running again, and designing more and sharing it here rather than bitching out how stuck I feel. Becoming me is going to take a whole lot more strength than I originally thought. Oiiii. But in the end, this path is so worth it.