Connect to Disconnect

That thriving feeling of wanting to journal, to write but it nags at you that in reality it really doesn’t matter all that much. No one ever listens to what I need to say or want to say. There becomes that dry thought and loss for words that blankets me in feeling alone. Disconnected.

Even though I deeply feel connected to too many things. I grew up sheltering myself from these “gifts” that I was given; Caircognizance & Precognition (seeing future outcomes/premonitions/knowing the death of loved ones, etc) & clairaudience (hearing/feeling words spoken from those who have passed). And Clairsentience (Ability to Feel the energy)   I was so scared as a child, because I grew up in a somewhat Christian household, but I was often told that my mind would ultimately lead me to the devil. That collecting spiders and making potions out of water and whatever chemical or paint that was on my dads work bench in the garage, so I can create magic was witchcraft and that was looked down upon heavily.  Even though my mom would walk around telling us that her bloodline is connected to witches. Needless to say, after seeing a few “spirits” ( they were harmless - I know that now) I shut my third eye. Begging “Jesus” to take it away. And with that, I was disconnected from the self. Left with only visions of death of family members that come in like a silent visitor of the night; if they died in the night. Or a weird pull and whisper if they died during the day.

Waking Up

One day, I met a masculine energy who I knew but I didn’t know. That pull to run up and hug someone I never met and yell with overjoyed excitement… “OMG! I’ve been looking for you! Where on Earth! have you been?!? I MISS YOU SO MUCH!” -  Only to actually stand there and stare at him dead in the eyes as if I just saw a ghost. I pondered for weeks digging at how I “knew him”.  Or the fact that I had a premonition a week prior to meeting him, that I would meet someone who would change my life. 

Flashback aka The Premonition (2018)

At this time, I was in a really shitty relationship with a mental & emotional abuser who was a cereal cheater. I have broken up with him enough times, and I was at my wits end. I knew deep down how I deserved to be treated and what I wanted out of life and what I wanted life to look like. The question was how to get there. I started exercising alone, taking both dogs for walks; alone, I started to journal again, and started to take care of my mental health so I could figure out how to “leave”. At the time I thought I needed a lot of money, so I started to save every penny. One day, at Pinerest, we had a team meeting that we were getting a new….person. And his name was…. X. I laughed to myself and I remember feeling a part of me saying (maybe he’ll be my future husband, haha jk Tiphani, just kidding….I joked with myself because I wanted so badly to be saved from my situation or at least helped.) — But I do remember feeling excited…but I didn’t understand it or think much of it. So I chalked it up to be a big joke with myself.
A Couple days passed, or shifts, I worked so much it’s hard to tell how many hours/days were in-between this moment. I worked because I didn’t want to be home and for the money to escape. This ONE particular day, I was walking down to the new unit (cypress) and on my way there I stopped at the big giant windows lining the hallway. It was February. Snow was barley melted. The sun was shinning so Bright and it made everything so beautiful. I Felt something within me as I felt solace in that moment. I felt warm, complete and at ease. That I was right were I needed to be. And I was happy. Beyond blissful. (again at this time, I didn’t understand these feelings… nor looked into them). I remember looking out the window as I starred in glee I heard (he’s coming and your life is about to change. For the better, hang tight, he’s almost here…) Feeling those words were confusing. I just shrugged it off to be “life is about to change and it feels so good.”

… Back to the Masculine
It Baffles me and excites me how I forsaw this.  And he did alright. Change my life. I remember the day and feeling as if it just happened from both the premonition & first meeting him. It was as if I woke from a nightmare. I was on autopilot ever since I shut my “third eye”, well I covered it as much as I could. And when I met him and  I eventually fully “Woke Up” all I felt was … “What Am I doing?! Why Am I here?! What have I accomplished?! Where did I go?! Tiphani!! Hello!! Are you there?! Wake up! Wake up! He’s here, wake up, Tiphani, we found him….” That is what it felt like meeting this person. And when I woke, I found myself in a pile of baggage. A mess of shit. I was not who I wanted to be. I know I was on the road trying to find myself before I met him, but it’s hard to run when you can’t see the road.

 Upon meeting him, it was like a shockwave of who I used to be awakening from the depths of my soul. I started to believe in Astrology again, (18 years since I looked at astrology) I absolutely without hesitation believed in reincarnation, something I always fought others on that there was no such thing. But after meeting him, I felt no other way. We don’t add up without it; I can’t wrap my mind around US without it. I believed in the mind's eye, that everything we needed to heal was right in front of us like the people we know and facing traumas to  Meditation, Herbalism, & Moon Rituals aka Witchcraft/Self Love Practices, Manifestation. Learning that Manifestation is real and it works and fast forward 6 years and I have done quite well, even though it has its hardships.  I believe in everything and anything I shut off all those years ago when I was a child and I have been learning to EMBRACE my visions and feelings. Now I feel much, much more than death. I feel Life. And the intensity in which I feel runs deep into my veins. I can feel other people's energy and the earth's energy. I see future outcomes. I hear those who passed whisper in my ear. I can feel them when they are in the room or nearby (Clairsentience). And not just MY spiritual guides or loved ones.

Clairsentience

When this happens, my heart flutters, I absolutely break into a smile. And sometimes tear(s). I am in complete awe and shocked with energy that is beyond myself. And If I know them, I will see them in my mind's eye and know who it is. Sometimes it lasts for a brisk second like they walked through me, and sometimes it lasts for minutes. It also feels like an intense wave of happiness + adrenaline high. And you feel absolutely selfless and exhilarated and in love with everything from colors to sounds to those around, to smells, tastes, just full of love and Awe. It’s beyond description. It’s beyond Life.

——-
Since this Masculine energy has awaken Me, I feel like I am back. I fear things a lot less, I am happier with myself, And I am now practicing meditation, moon rituals, self healing, regularly. I feel more inspired and creative. The drive that I have for self love & happiness is beyond comprehension. I do things alone now. I feel crisp in the mind and full of positivity and fully aware of what is to come and why. My compassion & empathy is much deeper and I feel more connected to this divine realm.  Some days are still hard to push beyond my own barriers but that’s the whole point. Continuous learning and healing. 

Meeting your Twin Flame / Divine Counterpart

They say that happens when you meet your Twin Flame. That firstly at least one of the souls receives a premonition that they’ll be meeting them soon. Secondly, the Feminine energy soon after meeting the masculine “wakes up” and starts an immediate healing journey of themselves to break the karmic cycle of life and relationships they have been living.  (AKA shadow work, inner child work, trauma healing ). And then the feminine energy will turn and lend a hand to the Masculine in a means to help guide them on the path of healing, to awaken from themselves. But the Masculine generally doesn’t start their healing journey till much later on. From months to years. Sometimes it has to be triggered. Sometimes it takes the separation of the two in order for the masculine to truly enter their journey of self awareness and healing. What I heard was that all Twins go through a separation.  And if both are able to shed their past selves and live in a higher level of energy/ divine self, then they can unite otherwise they don’t. Some never reconnect after they separate. - I read this somewhere, or watched it on TikTok videos a few years after I met this masculine energy during my mission to figure out why I felt the way I felt and to piece together all the weird coincidences that would qualify in the category of the supernatural. Those who talked about Twin Flames being like this, I felt that I could relate to, therefore it felt more true. (I was like, omg, I remember reading about Twin Flames when I was 12 but never looked back, but always grew up feeling as if I was “looking for someone” but I could  never find them. I felt incomplete ever since I was a child. And now reading all this new information years later is like reading the beginning pages of my life starting from my premonition…so weird!?)  Another reason most “Twin Flames” don’t connect is because one soul waits for the other (me I guess), while the other soul settles down, and then when and IF they finally meet it feels like they have worlds between them and it is hard to re-unite especially when the other has an entire other life. I have a gut feeling I met… my Twin Flame. I felt so intuitively connected to him, I know where he’s at, how he’s feeling, what he’s thinking and I have even heard his thoughts from time to time and I always let him know when I do, It weirds us both out.  Spiritually speaking, from a self love and healing trauma and learning to be happy with life, he’s now accepting of what I bring to the table philosophically and is curious. And since I am open to my supernatural talents? He also is starting to develop or is curious at the very least to his psychic abilities alongside me although he refuses to associate anything is pyschics. Which is also another thing that happens when Twins come together. That their psychic abilities enhance if they are vibrating at the same level and energy.

Twins are often called Mirrored souls. Two souls who are identical as they are different. They Mirror one another through personalities to life events. They may have similar experiences that result in the same end trauma or completely different experiences but often still lead to the same trauma. And it becomes useful in helping the other adjust and or heal.  “Mirror souls often experience telepathic communication and a high degree of synchronicities. You may find yourselves thinking the same thoughts, picking up on each other's emotions, or experiencing parallel life events, as if the universe conspires to bring you together”  I found this cute animated video this year, it sums everything up quite nicely. 10 Signs You've Found Your Twin Flame

Psychic Intuition

I can now do psychic readings on not just him but most people in HIS family. I can see/feel where they are at. (like if they’re home or away) How they are feeling in the present moment. If anyone one of them were to approach, like knowing someone is going to enter the room before they enter the room. Anyone connected to him, I can now feel. I have predicted jobs and phone calls and times of travel departure and travel arrivals for members of his family and even a death dream for a past death and a future … well we all die someday …..

I started automatic writing because I could feel so much that it became hard to separate everything, and some things I just needed to clarify what's a thought and what's actually being felt/said. About a month ago, I had a conversation with my grandfather Richard Strait. That was amazing. I haven’t been able to reach anyone since, but I have been able to make sense of my Claircognizance & Clairaudience much clearer with automatic writing. I am able to reach my Higher self and my Spirit guide Freya, more so than those who have passed. Those who have passed, they talk when they want to talk.

But there are days … days in which I see all these things, I can feel the outcome as if I wrote it, but sometimes I still live as if none of it were true. My skeptical yet logical brain likes to proceed with caution. What if these premonitions don’t come to fruition? What if I read them wrong? If that was/is the case then I’ve wasted valuable time on this earth and for what? Did I really just walk in the wrong direction? Or is all this phony boloney?

I live as if the glass is half full, and live as if it would never truly be filled full. I can see and feel the wires of both worlds and it is becoming apparent that a ton of people are a lot like me, people who are even more gifted than I. We are speaking out through social media and trying to show people the light through the dirt.

But my focus is always One Soul at a time. And sometimes I just feel exhausted. Especially because this Soul is the hardest to get to and requires patience I’ve only just acquired. An overwhelming desire to leave, fights with the intuitive mind & heart that I MUST STAY.

The Day I Changed Course

One day, on a very, very, very dark September day for him at least; 2020, I was emphatically feeling his emotions and it was the heaviest sadness I have ever felt off another person, and as I glanced at him from afar; he was alone and had a piece of cardboard in his hands and he let his hands drop to his sides as he started off, letting his mind consume him while the deep pain he was carrying emanated off him vibrating deep within my very veins, while I felt tears building at their brims I felt/heard “Take Care of HIM”  Or maybe it was “Watch Over Him.” both meaning quite the same. And heard on separate occasions. I think TAKE CARE came first. And I remember not feeling alone when I heard those words. At the time I didn’t understand it because I was just starting to learn about the psychic side of myself. I just finished my inner child shadow work and I felt my third eye open. I felt more alive than ever, but what I didn’t know was that past loved ones could speak to us. That I was more than claircognizance (knowing) but I was also clairaudience (hearing).

So when I heard/felt those words that day, “Take Care of HIM” I felt strongly about them. I thought they were my feelings but I didn’t associate them to that level at that time. So I was oddly confused and almost called myself a fool because my intentions initially were to leave this life behind in 3 months time. Leave him, my friends, this job, everything and everyone behind. And I felt confident in my decision. But to this Day I remember that moment in time as if I still exist in it from time to time. That moment changed my entire game plan for the steps I had planned in my life. (new job, new city, new friends, new life) My life flipped 180. I was NOW on a New Mission. I was motivated, geared and focused. I was brainstorming up a storm on how to take the next steps in changing course. Because It had to be done and done soon. And I knew what change needed to be made and what needed to be started and how. It was almost as if I was guided meticulously from an outside source of the unknown. I never hesitated. I just kept pushing for this idea, this adventure to come alive. There was no other way.  This is what we were both meant for. It’s why we came together. Other Than him being my mirror.

I now know what I heard and I remember seeing a face in my third eye to whom I spoke it, and remember feeling like someone was standing next to me for a moment and honestly those words are what started our life “adventure.” It ignited everything. As I said, I remember that day vividly, it was like something inside of me changed that day, my drive, my focus, my life outcome, all defined in that moment with those words. I didn’t understand the notion, just that I had to do this. But looking back now, I  now understand. I understand when the dead speak to me and the effect they can have and I clearly can see the energy ribbons of its connection from that day leading to this present moment... I made a spiritual promise to someone I never met to watch over the one person who defines all to me. And I don’t regret anything even through it’s most difficult moments.

Why else would I meet the person who I was supposed to meet two months before art school graduation. Why else have I never been able to get a job in my field unless this was supposed to be?? It all makes perfect sense to me. Everything happens for a reason. 

A month afterwards, I was shown (claircognizance - knowing) the next 10 years in a way of struggles, as if I needed to know what to expect. That was weird. I saw the many forks in the road on this new journey I began. I also felt what “WOULD” happen if I didn’t take this path. (in 2023 he ends up dead and I end up unhappy and broken and eventually dead) It’s like I unlocked a quick view of my life map. And now most things feel Déjà vu. 

Like a reminder I’m still going in the right direction from what I saw. 

So the words remind themselves in my brain on the days I find the hardest. The days I want to walk away from the stress of life and everything/everyone to it. It’s like the world opens up and becomes bright when I am surrounded in darkness.
I must “watch over him”; I hear. I must do so even if he never sees me. because one day, in due time, he will see me. Until then, focus on the “adventure” all while silently taking care of him and guide him towards his highest version of self and don’t put yourself in his equation.  “watch over him” Even if he Never remembers me. (reincarnation - which I vaguely remember) Which is the hardest thing of all, because it is piled up on the mountain of the feelings that my EGO already, always feels - alone and never heard and never seen. Stupid Trauma. But I didn’t date assholes for nothing, I built tolerance and understanding and compassion and patience and love. Without them, the pain, the experiences; I wouldn’t have been able to get us here. To a life with abundant growth, love, learning and compassion. and connection to my true self.

Sometimes I am baffled that I am still here. Still alive. But Life is such a precious thing and so is death. Death is so beautiful along with its suffering and its pain. Not the harmful type that hurts those around it but the type that is self inflicted from good intentions. The Sadness from the high love we held in our hearts that dies slowly in our eyes as we move in the motion of the light and the dark. The purposeful situations that we hold ourselves in for ourselves or for others in hope of beauty; only to slowly die within, so we can let go of that part of ourselves and to grow into something stronger and something more beautiful. That is beautiful.
Because “There must be death before life can grow.” -Me

I feel connected to everything all while feeling disconnected where I wish I was seen & heard. I am here. I am not Here. I am creation. I am Life. I am Death. I AM.

---

3 years Later

Her Last Summer Walk

This is about to get a little too personal…..

This isn’t suppose to be a personal journal about my personal life. It’s suppose to be my journey of becoming an artist. But today I am going off beat…Fully Personal.
In the beginning haha, anyways, I had a mental breakdown in October of 2018 which is what initially started this search for the sense of self along with this blog. I had a lot of undealt with trauma. So I was waking up and having 2-4 panic attacks a day…not anxiety attacks, I say those are mild and somewhat controllable. No, these were full blown, not able to breath or move panic attacks. Hyperventilating and vomiting. By beginning of 2020 life was becoming a touch more smoother. I began to feel the healing I’ve worked hard on. After my Vacation up north August 18th-28th 2020, I had a bit of a “spiritual awakening”. I came back feeling healed from all my past trauma. I felt so different. So awake. It was like seeing life for the first time. I even viewed people around me differently. It’s a complex feeling, reaching a higher level of self conscience. My gift of clairvoyance (Yes, I’ve had odd gifts my whole life) was heightened. Overall, I felt like I finally had a fresh start. One that was long overdue. But as soon as July 2021 hit, everything came crashing back down.

It started out with physical problems, to financial problems and most recently the loss of my paw daughter Dixie Pixie… I began feeling as if I have lost everything while I was trying to build everything, so I can be in a better place, mentally, emotionally and physically. But when the Fog is this thick from the dust of a crumbling old life so a new life can be built, it can become very hard to see and feel the positivity in anything. And sometimes venting helps clear that fog, just enough to remind myself what I am building.

So today I decided to rant my life and it current complications

At times It feels like my soul is trapped inside myself screaming to be let out of this half dead awakened vessel who’s consumed by despair and the inability to feel really anything because she is so numb from the imbalance her life is pumping within her. Her sadness, stress and anger look the same as her blank stare and the nothingness that ticks in her head. Making constant mistakes and not catching the vibrational signals the soul is trying to communicate that something isn’t right, because the fuzziness of her brain fog is too thick.

I need a vacation from my life. From existing.

I can feel the root of all this, when the soul is screaming to be let out, all the mind can think about is those high vibrations, traveling and the creation of art. Painting, digital art, photography, other art related endeavors. When the soul begs to be let out, those are the things she cries for and those are the things I can’t give to her. And it just f*cking sucks.

I am however trying a new self healing medley Lions Mane + Ashwagandha. So we’ll see what happens. I feel pretty good about it.

Back to the drawing board...

New Direction

So I've been falling for quite sometime. Struggling with this whole new turning point in my life. Confused and lost with no sense of direction. Trying to find who I am as an artist.
Step one : Get yourself out there. So I made this website.
Step Two: Find out the skills that are needed in the field. So I began trying to figure out my weaknesses and strengthen them. Typography. But instead I took on painting. Which actually became a huge benefit.
Step Three: Start a blog. Except I’m doing it all wrong. I made this blog into a public journal of my journey of self growth.

When I hit rock bottom again, few months ago, I started to analyze what I was trying to accomplish. And I was missing the big picture. When I go to apply for jobs, whether it’s freelance or corporate offices, they don’t want to see “growth of new skills” they want to see what I “CAN DO”. I have no work past college. The big question is why have I stopped designing digitally? I went to school for it and here I am learning new skills like it’s going to get me far. I have been so blinded. Probably why I haven’t been able to nail a design job.

I put away my paints for about a month while I pondered my life. Again. Meanwhile consuming myself in listening to music, my depressed mind would always do what my mind does, and has always done; I get emotionally attached to the words and rhythm of the songs I listen too and I create imagery or music videos in my head. At one point, when I first started college I spoke about the idea of wanting to create that imagery. But soon after I learned I was a terrible photographer ( after my photography 101 class ) that idea slowly dissipated. Not to mention Graphic Design at Kendall College was very “Advertisement based”, as if those were the only design jobs out there….True? To a point yes. So My design needs for feelings and emotions, (which is why I always wanted to become an artist - gain skills to pull these ideas out of my brain) seemed obsolete and unwanted by the world because what I wanted doesn’t matter? It was now all about advertisement. Don’t get me wrong, I love designing advertisement but it’s not what I want to express myself in. I don’t understand why I always try to conform. There is no rule stating - yes this is what you need to design (ads only) and no you may not design for yourself in your free time. Not now, Not ever. I don’t know where I got this notion from. Unless I really did fall off the bandwagon in distraction and drive. I was a apart of an emotionally and mentally absuive relationship the entire time I was in college and a year after. I graduated two years ago. So I guess…..idk. Healing takes time.

I recently went through my My high school art (yes I have kept almost everything!) I have posters that I tried to express how I felt with songs I listened to and advertisements for snickers bars and music software as well as many album covers.

Following artists on Instagram, I have noticed many people do what I have always wanted to do. Expressive art. These artist also show their design process, and it’s astounding how easy it looks. I thought to myself; Geeze! I now have the skills to do what I have always wanted to do. I may not be able to take photos but hell can I ever edit them! Like I mentioned above, I don’t understand how and where I got lost in the idea of, “well if you can’t take good photos then you can’t create what you want. Or what you really want to design doesn’t matter. “ It’s like I was brainwashed - “Advertisements matters! It’s the only design path!!” - College

If I really think about it, When I started painting, I was hoping to get amazing at it so I could do what I’ve intended with graphic design- design with feelings and emotions. New skill, same purpose.
Same with wood burning and typography. I wanted to learn typography so I could hand draw the letters of the words I want, on my paintings or wood work so they look professional, clean and unique. Again - same purpose new skill.

If I didn’t have this friend to pick my brain and bounce ideas off of, I really don’t know where I would be in life. Probably walking in the wrong direction. Artless. Everything happens for a reason. Then there is my sister. Who I’ve bonded with tremendously this year and she’s been a huge support and help in my life. Well honestly she’s always been there for me, supporting and giving me advice. I just never really listened to her until now. I’m excited her and I are going to run a 5k on her birthday! I’m her workout buddy as well! I first denied her on the idea, but now I’m trying my best to make that happen. We are starting a fitness routine soon and I can’t wait for that. My plan to always be active and healthy is finally coming into place and I get to do it with her.

But anyways I’m taking on another direction. Well I’m going back to my soul purpose in all this. Something that was ignited in me way back in high school. Expressive art through my feelings and emotions that are derived from the music I listen to and my life experiences. And my sister is going to help me achieve this goal of designing feelings and emotions. She is going to be my model and my creative partner in this. My six month goal is to beef up this portfolio with new work from the skills I went to college for! hahaha. Oh Sherlock you’re a genius. [Face Palm]

Then with my new skills, painting…I have recently met someone at a beach, who happened to be looking for painters to paint peoples pets. And this business of his, has grown tremendously as well in West Michigan this past year or so. Granted, I have not painted any animals except those birds. But Hell, this opportunity came out of know where and if I didn’t know how to paint….well I do and I’m excited for be a part of this opportunity.

I just hope my depression and other life situations don’t get in the way of this goal. I really want to thrive in the art world. Yes I know I said I don’t like sitting behind a desk but, if I’m at a job I love and can call home, do you really think that working in an office will be terrible? I highly doubt it. When you love where and what you work for, the environment will be inviting and exciting and full of creativity. I just need to open my mind more and more each day. I also can’t let the negative experiences in my life determine the overall definition of a career path. Every company is different and has learning experiences. Sometimes we have to fall many times to get to where we need to be.

Just never stop trying.

Why we create.

You know a lot of things I do, are through inspirations that come from the advice of people I hold close to my heart. People who I find are uniquely important to me. I’m driven to make people proud. To show them me. To show them I took their advice and ran with it. To prove a lot of things. Isn’t that what most people get their drive from? To prove or show certain people things you’ve accomplished for their genuine belief in you. It’s why we hang our kids crappy or non crappy drawings on our fridge at home. It’s why I have my nieces crayon drawing of us on my fridge. It has been there since Thanksgiving. We do things to show these certain people in our lives that we care and we believe in them. That we are proud of the things they have accomplished for themselves and for us.

The first huge change in my life, was when I decided to go to art school. The reason why I went, ultimately went unnoticed, mainly because it was “in memory of…” support that I neglected years ago from someone very important to me. I wanted to prove to myself, in their memory that I changed for the better, and that I chased my dreams in art and I could actually support myself. Well supporting myself actually is done for a few very important people in my life.

None of us are who we are today if it wasn’t for our past experiences and the people who have come through our lives or are still standing by our sides. Recently I took on another path in life because of someone important to me. Well what happens when the one person you want to show you’ve done well for yourself has lost interest, turns a cold shoulder like, what you’re doing with your life doesn’t matter to them, long after the inspiring helpful talks you’ve shared. You keep dropping hints that you want them to admire what you’ve accomplished even tho it’s not much but crappy paintings and pessimistic babbles of my struggles on self growth. The one thing they pushed me for, because I was ignoring my own advice of finding myself. But for the simple fact you, yourself are opening up and stepping out of your comfort zone in hopes of conversations and possible talks of creative ideas to continue the creative sparks, with someone who you thought meant something to you, and is now obsolete…what are you left with? That maybe this person that you believed in, that you thought believed in you, doesn’t actually care or never cared for that matter. False beliefs. I feel like a lil kid who’s crayon drawing got a shock and awe and into the garbage. “oh that’s nice sweetie” - says parent as they toss artwork in trash can. Or that raised grade you studied so hard to change is rewarded with “About time you raise your grades!”

But before I wallow in self doubt and sadness because that “one person” that got me started on all this doesn’t care anymore, I have come to realize how many people actually do care. I have so much support and love from friends I didn’t think were around. This is really truly inspirational to me. I honestly can’t believe how many people actually read my physcho babble. Or actually “LIKE” my paintings! There are far more important people out there to me than I actually thought. And I’m grateful for the crowd of supporters I didn’t know I actually had. I still have no idea where I am headed, but I haven’t given up trying to figure it out. Thank you all for being my inspiration and my drive. It truly means a lot to me!

Time to Paint!

So It’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. I’ve been working like crazy. I finally got an entire day all for myself. I woke up at 7am just to get ready for the mentality to paint. I was so excited! But of course my ADD self had trouble staying focused. Between mini dance sessions, singing, a trip to the store for no reason and pacing my house drinking coffee-tea-coffee-tea-water. 5ish hours later I finally finished this painting. We all saw what the first ocean painting looked like. Most of you loved it. So after some practice, I came back and painted another one on a much larger canvas with new and improved paint brushes and color choices!

The Struggle with Breaking Free & Becoming ME

We all have the two birds that sit on our shoulders. Hunnin and Munin. Or as other religions state, devil on the left and God on the right. (But I’m huge into mythology and very spiritual.) Hunin represents our thoughts & emotions…Our heart none the less. Then Muninn is our mind. Our intellect, reasoning, information all around gut and logic. And when those two fight our souls feel weak and unattended for. For my heart and mind have been at it for about a year and it literally feels like your soul is being ripped into two halves. Half where you “should be” and the other Half “what you want”. It’s extremely painful in the realm of anxieties. But recently my mind won because ultimately I knew my heart needed to let go of what it tasted. I feel so much lighter, so now I’m listening to Munin. And what he’s asking of me is hard as hell, but deep down I know it’s for the best. Being I can sense and feel things that aren’t normal to most people, I know where I am headed in life but it is so hard to push myself to get there. My heart holds onto what it feels its connected to with a death grip. My mind literally has my heart on a leash and I feel like its just pulling it like a dog who doesn’t want to go for a walk. How do you blindfold Hunnin (your heart) for the time being?
There is so much to accomplish and grow in a few years time before time slips away and I lose where I am supposed to be in a few years. But I feel like my feathers have been trimmed and I can’t fly.

I’ve done rather well at bringing my positivity back to life. To paint almost everyday. Practicing my typography and guitar. For someone who’s ADD, suffers from depression and anxiety, I’m keeping rather busy and feel quite happy & content, but I feel like I have not accomplished anything.
I have the tools, I have the resources, I have slight inspiration, but….it’s always but….I can feel my soul screaming to break free and to be all it can be, for it sides more with the Munin then Hunnin.

My main motivation in life is I want those close to me to be proud of me. To accomplish the list of goals I’ve created for myself. But in order to do so my Heart can’t have a mind of its own. It needs to redirect its love to thyself and let the mind work on what needs to happen in life. I’m not saying I don’t love my life or myself and who I’ve become, because I love who I am dearly and I love my life, and where I am at. It is a shame however, no one can ever feel the same about me as I do myself but that’s besides the point. Yeah to a point, It’d be nice to know that it’s possible but honestly when you’re 30 and you’ve been where I’ve been and experienced what I have and heard the worst, you get to the point in your life where you just want to know you can do this alone before you even look in that direction for a very long time. Some people need someone in their life in order to be happy. I don’t. I strive on success and friendships. I realized that years ago.

If I’m not constantly growing and learning new things at work, I start to feel…numb & bored. I need to feel a purpose with my work and where I am working at. I need to know I am making a difference and helping others around me. I don’t work to work. I work to grow and to help those around me. Living paycheck to paycheck is only worth it when you’re happy with what you are doing. It’s why I need to get back to ME again. And that is with the arts…I love cooking but it’s not currently where “Munin” says I need growth.

First step to change is to break out of this funk I’m in. Start running again, and designing more and sharing it here rather than bitching out how stuck I feel. Becoming me is going to take a whole lot more strength than I originally thought. Oiiii. But in the end, this path is so worth it.

It's storming out...

There is a storm coming… no really a storm just rolled in. But as far as my heart goes, I said I sensed myself falling down a few times and I’ve officially lost myself in my devotions and released myself, for the sake of sanity. But I still sense an ending I’ll love. I just don’t want to face the facts, I guess. When it comes to my career, even tho I just started a few years ago, I feel so lost. Like where did I fall off the bandwagon? Did I seriously get that comfortable being a chef, that I lost all sense of who I am? Or is it a mixture of many other things. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I sense a strong feeling of growth that needs to happen. I have now reached that road split in my life where I need to make important decisions and I want to leave the food industry and build myself as an artist. But the struggle is real. I’ve applied and applied but it’s so hard to get out there, especially when you suck at interviewing and have like no experience as well as being a workaholic who’s never available.
”You want to meet up? Sure let me look at my calendar. Oh I’m off in three weeks at 4 pm…I work a half day that day.”

Of course there are so many other factors I can’t discuss on my life, but I feel that the time is right to part ways with the company I’m with and lead a life in design. But since I prolonged that for so long because of personal reasons, the fight is going to be that much harder. I really want to excel as a freelancer, but I need to have that major source of income, and I don’t think cooking is the decision that needs to be, for the time being. Lawrd I feel so lost, mentally. Or am I just scared to change when change is normally what I embrace? I’m trying to follow the signs but it’s hard sometimes. Sometimes letting go is harder than you think.

Once gone.

My mind races. For my sacrifice to watch over you was more than the mind could handle but released at the time before all was lost, only to save me once again. All around me I’m surrounded by darkness, unable to see a thing. I can “hear” the light but for I cannot “see” the path. I race around trying to find an escape while my soul screams at the life it was parted from. Left to stand where I’ve traveled along. Alone is where I was always meant to be. I can’t feel this to be any other way. For I hold my walls high to try for this life of mine. We have parted ways only in hopes to see each other again, I want you to know I was not ready for this to begin. Yet I would never to let you travel alone. We gained the knowledge of our presence only to die and grow from our existence. For a lifetime our paths have always been side by side, just blinded from the shores abide. Now only a river that now separates us, we have each gained and lost what the other needs. For when together we feel what it feels to be complete. Now to continue this path that unfolds only to reach for what we are too up hold. For if our souls are truly meant as one, we have to overcome from where we stood from. Death is never a pleasant thing, but it could be the growth of the most beautiful thing. We grasped onto what we need to know, just so we know what our future could hold. For in this moment, if you weren’t here with me, we would never remembered how it came to be. Apart, we must make our final stand as we fight for our last chance. As the years shall pass, we will fall from the skies. In pain, we both suffer from each others strengths to grow from one another weakness. To become whole means we must fight from where we’ve come, only to know where we’ve existed from. Catch you I will, as long as I know you’ve gave it your all, and I shall seek the same in return. For I would rather die than to see you ever lost again. For letting go is never again. Open your eyes as I have open mine, to see all and what has become. To feel and sense what we need. Let it guide us to where we need to be. Our answers to our questions will stand before us, do we choose to live our lives a lie, bathed in comfort and normality under the traditional rule of our souls vessel. Or do we break free to let death be our growth to the beauty beneath. What is truly alive and what’s buried beneath our feet. Paths crossed and now apart only to cross again based on our hearts. Apart but not alone. For maybe we shall join again, fully transformed. Ready to be whole once again. Or forever stand apart of our shores abide only to remember.


This is a poem and with it, I’ve created a mixed medium painting called “ Life & Death” The two ravens represent the two parts of our brain that are in constant war with one another in order to find a middle ground of peace and growth. You have to let a piece of you go in order to grow, you can’t let yourself be blinded by the truth or you’ll forget where you’ve been. We are only truly alone in our life journey.
I wanted something that spoke right from the soul. It needed it to be a mixed medium because I wanted to try and recreate the sense of touch with emotion. I used, paint and tissue paper for my mediums. The ripples of the tissue paper represent the constant motion for which our mind travels. It’s overlapping and constant.

The painting is still not enough, so I created the poem to go with it. Trying to figure out how I can combine them one day.

I truly believe that this is only the beginning to this painting….For there is much more in store for the heart to speak.

Senses

I have to say, if I were to pick between the two we need most as thriving individuals, communication or the sense of touch. For myself it’s the sense of touch. Of all the loss I’ve had in the world, the part that breaks me down is knowing I can never feel that person again. But while with the person, communication has always been a constant tug of war. When it comes to any form of relationships/friends, those are the two I battle with most often, which can spider web into many other things like devotion, commitment, understanding etc. But that’s not why I’m writing. Yes I want to express that the loss of touch is the most devastating dark pain I have ever endured time and time again. I hope that one day I never have to feel the loss of that. ( optimistic opinion?) But my self journey is defiantly keeping far from anything I desire, because to become all of me I must start with nothing. How else am I going to bring the essence of emotion and turn it into art. I’ve come to the realization awhile ago that I’m alone. I felt my shift in this world. I felt the “change in winds” in March the moment I returned home from my vacation. That feeling was on a mental and spiritual plane. It has now full on reach the emotional and physical plane of my life, and now I have to figure out how to take these dark emotions and create with them because it’s all I have left. I am all I have left. My art is all I have to express my mind. I wouldn’t be in this spot or on this path if I wasn’t meant to live alone (forever). Obviously I am, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for that a reason. To feel and for it to be taken away so I can grow in the dark shadows of the musky fields where they say love can never grow. No one said this was going to be easy. I just hope I can keep my head held high and move on.

Essences of our emotions and art

We’ve all heard the phrase “ A cup of coffee with your best friend is all the therapy we need sometimes…” Well, all though that is the case; talking really does help cope with the day to day lives of the chaos we dive ourselves into. But what if that wasn’t possible? What if for whatever reason, your best friend or the one you confide in, is MIA. What do you do? A chaotic brain such as mine could bottle up a lot of pain, up until recently; few years ago due to series of life events. So where does the exploration of the negatives and positives wither and die so there is growth?

For me, knowing that I went from compartmentalizing for half my life (hiding) to expressing, isn’t such a bad thing. Yeah I’m now called “emotional”. But for the first time ever, I’m embracing it. Why? Because it’s who I am. I need to feel, see, hear, sense the world around me because without embracing my emotions and feelings, I can’t create. I’m not me. I’m nothing if I don’t lead with my emotions first. So, when I get to that point where there is more in my head than I can handle, since I don’t have that “Best Friend” that I’m able or willing to open up to, I journal.

Journaling scratches off the loose ends of what’s buzzing in my brain. Like dead skin. These emotions or feelings have no purpose. They’re mainly there because they were created and put there. Therefore there was never any life to them. Dead skin. Once that’s removed, the real issue that needs a good discussion sits and waits to be picked, like a flower trying to bloom from it weeds. So next I shower. Long hot showers to drain out all the negatives.

Humans are tribal creatures, we thrive on connection and emotion and belonging which is the third tier on Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs. When you’re a thriving independent, you’re only going to take what you need to survive and try and figure out the rest on your own. Only to reach back for a hand when necessary. So because I’m purposely a loner, for the soul purpose that I want to be mentally and emotionally strong as I can alone before I take on any other “Adventures” in my life, I have to find ways to avoid confiding or opening up to that “Best Friend” most of us all have. Step one: Journal. Step two: Drain the negatives. Step three: Grow the positives that are left. That’s generally when I go for a run, paint, draw, create mood boards, express myself on here, etc.

When there is nothing but the positives left, you can take that and create the most beautiful forms of art. Even if your art work contains darkness, it’s still beautiful because it’s a part of you. I’m a spiritual person and I’m very in touch with my soul and the levels of energy that travel alongside me. Sometimes, I catch drift of others energies and I’m able to feed off of it.

If you really think about it, art comes from us, we create art from our senes and life experiences. So when we create, we are either telling someone else’s story or we are telling our own. Art is what we feel and go through everyday because art is an expression of self, and emotions and feeling. It’s how we are able to portray our feelings to communicate to others around us, in order to make an impact, to warn us or just please the eye to the beauty expressed.

I one day want to be able to embed my emotions into my artwork and impact and inspire the world around me or even just a small community! I want to help others get in touch with their soul and tell them not to be afraid to hide. Express yourself. Tell your story. Show me how you see the world and share it. Because in the end, it all ends well. There is beauty in death even, because, “To live is to experience a form of war. For love cannot exist unless death and war unite. Thus is when the fields of the unknown have become filled with ashes and grey muck of the corpses. Only then can beauty grow and love can obtain substance. For one cannot simply exist without the other. “-ME

In this path that I have chosen for myself, and have fallen off track at least 3x times! I foresee at least 2-3 major hardships. I also foresee that this journey that I am taking, one that I try and tell myself is only a 2 year journey is actually a 3-5 year journey. I know that at the end of this path, (if I stick with it & have patience) through all the major hardships I am about to endure throughout the next 3-5 years, will be very rewarding. I sense a huge amount of positive energy, followed with joy and adventure and just the most beautiful essence of life that can be only be felt. And because I can feel/sense, what the end of this path holds, very well knowing that I am going to fall to the bottom of the pit a few more times, it keeps me going. And what I’m going to do is create, create and create. I’m going to find my voice through this dark path of the unknown and I hope to inspire and lead on this journey. Having that 6th sense really helps push through the tough days, it helps tell me…”it’s all in my head” so remove the dead skin, drain negatives and grow the beauty that is held within. Be you. Find your voice and guide.

little more me

Today I felt a whole lot more inspired and motivated than the last few days. This bird is probably one of my favorites. I want to continue adding and changing it. I’m not about realistic paintings, so I am not attempting to make this more realistic. But there are details to edit and I want to change the flow of the feathers a touch. Good thing about paint is that you can build upon continuously; well to a point at least to upgrade it.

I’m just happy overall and I’m feeling more happy about my art work. I’m less afraid to shun my creativity than I was in the beginning. unfortunately I can’t keep at this like I want to for the night, since I work before the sun comes up tomorrow.

The last few weeks was a difficult struggle pushing myself to this point. I now feel that my soul is right where I need to be as far as direction. I’m now in the full state of learning, experimenting and growth. I just have to keep pushing through my “difficult mental” days that I have from time to time. And soon enough, I will feel more of me as far as whole and less fear in my life. Maybe this time by next year, I will be able to have clients? For I haven’t stepped in that pond yet. More or less walking around it as I learn to trust myself.

today is hard...mentally

I worked a 12 hour day today voluntarily of course. and I’m probably going to do it the next 2 days. We have morning caterings, and a lot to achieve. Plus I enjoy doing extra work in between my actual responsibilities. I enjoy helping my bosses. I’m a workaholic. Today was the easiest work day honestly, so picking up extra tasks was mindfully pleasant. Surprisingly I was able to stay very focused and achieved more than normal because I normally juggle more than I can handle. As far as how my brain works tho, it was difficult. I kept trying to go backwards in thought. So I had to constantly ask myself, “Is this worry or fake thought relevant to your task? No? Ok…Let’s move on, what do you want to paint when you get home? How long of a run do you want to do today, one mile or three miles?”

But as I got home, I started to drag. I did manage to push myself for a 2 mile run, then took my dog for a mile walk. Now I sit here on the computer, wanting to paint. Wanting to pick up my guitar, I want to achieve something creative today, but my mind is wanting to be else where and it’s hard. Hard to force yourself to work on a passion when your mind wants to think of the irrelevant. it’s like a mental tug of war and it can be very exhausting at times. I feel my creative urge wanting to bust out and be free. I know what I need to do, I know, but it’s that ultimate push in the right direction.

I’ve ignored my phone all day, for I don’t care at the moment what goes on in the world. It’s been on mute for almost a month, it’s nice not having that constant anxiety to answer a reply every time I hear a notification. Plus it helps redirect my focus…”on myself”. I guess I’m going to go to my other outlet for awhile and hopefully later this evening I can at least put a few minutes of practice on my guitar and paint “one” picture. It’s all about setting goals when you struggle with mental roadblocks. Let’s do this!!

Deep Thoughts and Clarity.

So I have always had trouble talking about myself and answering questions like,
”why do you love art?”
”Where do you get your inspiration from”
”What drives you and what part do you love most?”
Why this and why that, and I have never been able to answer anything with real clarification. First of all why do I have to answer? Why does it matter and does it have to be about me? I have never put much thought about myself up for question. Always put other people first leaving myself in the dust…stuck with questions I can’t answer. So I’ve just said the first thing that came to mind, lie or not, because I honestly don’t know. Well didn’t know. I have been doing a lot of thinking about where I’m headed in life and where I want to see myself in 5-10 years. (Finally!!)
I try to cancel out thoughts of anything that comes to mind, that are things or people that shouldn’t be effecting my decisions. If that makes sense. Like example, I hope to own a cottage with my sister in the future. When it should be, I hope to have a rental cottage in the mountains or travel to South America for hiking one day. The minor details shouldn’t matter since our lives are always changing. You need to have a base goal for you and everything else, who else can fall in-between.

Along with thinking of myself, I’ve been thinking heavily on the arts!!
”What does drive me to create? How do I become inspired really?”
Have I honestly never put any of this into consideration of my thoughts ever in my life?
I have recently discovered that I cannot sit at a computer for very long. Okay so Why? I thought you loved graphic design…? Isn’t design all about sitting at a computer? We live in a digital world now, hello!!

Well folks! I have answers! I have explanations. I’m slowly now figuring it all out.

It’s not the sitting at the computer all day that drives me mad with boredom, it’s creating without feeling inspired that drives me mad and bored. I’ve had two design jobs. One I loved and one I hated. The one I loved was a freelance position, where I designed for schools. They were elementary based design work because well I was designing for elementary schools and they were positive behavior posters. I also edited any school photos that needed it. Making them yearbook worthy! I even got to travel along West Michigan and worked along side with the photographers being apart of school sporting events and graduations. I loved every second. So when I sat down at my computer, I was able to sit there all day or all night and design for these schools, because I had passion for these schools. I met with the principles, teachers and met some of the students. I was driven by connection and emotion and the will to help promote healthy school environments. I soon had to leave the job because it did not fit my schedule for I needed to devote my every second of design toward my senior year of college.

I then worked at another place after my graduation. It was a car decal place. I sat at a computer designing for 8 hours, lines and circles and choosing colors for vehicles and working with clients that were very hard to communicate with. Although this company is a thriving successful company, I worked too fast and would get extremely bored. I have no idea how anyone person can work on Lines for a car for 6 hours of their day. Or one design for that matter. I thought that this job was going to be enjoyable and I was highly mistaken, for my taste at least. So I went into this phase, maybe the graphic design field was the wrong field because at this point I’m thriving in working in the kitchen ( I left the kitchen for this car place and went back after a few months). I did say cooking was another passion of mine. So I turned my head to the 4 years of art I went to school for and I was ready to give it all up. But why? Am I really going to become a chef with no education? Am I really going anywhere in life making this decision? Am I really going to give up everything I worked hard for, for a job I fell comfortable with? Thank goodness for a friend of mine who is always pushing me to think of myself. I came to the realization that I can have the best of both worlds. Cooking and arts.

So after some extreme thoughts the past few weeks, I’ve realized that yeah I love designing, but I don’t want to be constricted to an office where I lack inspiration and motivation. I’ve realized that music and going for a run, inspires me when I’m having a creative block. Getting up and walking around and being away from the computer is good for me when I don’t want to design. Having that 9-5 office job is not for me because I can’t just get up and leave work at 11am to do what I need to do, to clear my head of this block, because I can’t figure out any creative design solutions for my clients. I also can’t force myself to just sit there and doodle until I come up with something until the hour strikes 5pm. That’s not how I work. It’s not that I don’t love designing it’s I need to design at my own tempo and have more feeling involved. *cough Freelancing!*

I have recently realized that walking around a Micheals, Hobby Lobby or even a Menards is like walking around in a live version of Pinterest for me. I can spend hours walking up and down the aisle and not buy a single thing, but come out with a mind full of everything!

I think best in the shower.
I categorize and design on my runs.
I create mood boards when I’m walking around in my own live version of Pinterest.
That’s what motivates and intrigues me. I can be distracted on one project for just about the entire day! I am driven by emotion and connection. As well as hands on art work. People and objects inspire me. Moving around and keeping my hands busier than my head is when I do my best work. I thrive when I work at my own pace, so that’s why I think I should stop looking for a permeant “office” based job in design and rather try to be apart of the freelance world. This allows me to' connect and draw personal emotion in the designs. It’s where I find myself most happy, knowing that while I’m creating, I’m making an impact and physically being apart of that impact. And the only way to achieve freelancing is to keep practicing my skills because I have a long way to go from here. It’s a competitive world out there and I’m full on ready to take on this challenge.

I want to engage and communicate and thrive with colors and fonts that speak deep messages with meaning.
I think I’m slowly getting it…

drills

pages and pages and pages and more pages of brush calligraphy drill sheets!!!

practice is difficult

So a part of change is pushing yourself to practice, practice, practice. A momentum that I would always push to the side. Why can’t I just be good at something! Snap of a finger like everyone else around me. Because everyone around me, theoretically in my head was just born amazing and I was born with no talent. So the will to practice has never been there. Plus when I struggled, trying harder or asking for help just seemed like such a minute note to play. If I couldn’t figure it out on my own, then I’m not going to figure it out at all. What a great drive to have all through my middle school and high school years. As those come to past, 12 years later, here I am, wishing I could do all these things that I could have achieved in grade school, utilizing the teachers and students around me for FREE!! And I did not. I decided to live on the path of fate. Whatever happens, happens. I lived carelessly and hopelessly and free. Altho I do not regret my decisions, I am however disappointed in myself, I now have too… well, start over. This time, through I’ve recently developed this mental downfall of anxiety because, I’m too old and I’ve wasted my whole life and achieved nothing! I am running out of time! oh my gosh! etc….So this whole practicing thing, takes practice. But the best part of this whole thing is, learning new things is actually more interesting to me then it was 12 years ago and rather soothing. At least when it comes to painting. Good, bad, ugly, either way, I like how I feel after I have finished a piece. And that’s all that really matters. I’m doing this for me, no one else.

great push

So today, I went and took photos of some work I’ve created from the start of this year. Since I lack in confidence, hiding them was always a must for me because “it’s not good enough” My artwork “looks like a child could do it!”. It’s a strong mindset to change. So today, I uploaded them despite what I think deep down. Now the world can stare at my beginner set of art work, I have no choice than to improve myself, right? It’s public haha. Did I just push myself over a new edge? I’ve never been one to like my art work, even my school work. Oh man, what’s next to work on??

Journey Of Me

I’ve recently graduated from College almost a year ago, with little experience I struggle to get out in the world. I’ve recently realized that I cannot sit at a desk staring at a computer, for very long. I fallen into the culinary world which excites my soul but it doesn’t complete it. Everyday I go home and stare at the art supplies I surround myself with, wishing I could just create something. I want to do hands on art, but what?! I feel that I lack in skill along with confidence and with no one to push me for greatness. I somehow have to push myself which is a lot harder than people have always seem to play off. Even myself, I’m a great deal to blame, pushing people around me for greatness, forgetting to take my own advice first. Now I’m at that point in life where, it’s just me, myself and I. I have co-worker friends, but none I really see outside of work, no man in my life for I “want to find myself” and managed to push away the most important people in my life. But how do I do this alone? Where do I begin? With suffering from depression and anxiety from my history’s past, my motivation, confidence and determination is hindered and my mind is clouded with overthinking situations that have nothing to do with me. Somedays it’s hard to even open up my computer or pick up a marker. But wallowing never got anyone anywhere in life.

Slowly I’ve been trying to change, but it still is not enough. So today I want to make a change in my willingness too “change”. My goals in life are to improve my typography, painting, wood burning skills as well as finally picking up my guitar I’ve had for 15 years and actually trying to learn how to play it. I have the lifestyle I’ve always wanted to live almost down pat as far as eating habits and exercising, and hey my life long goal of switching from coffee to tea has finally happened! but now to come full circle with my inner soul of arts and crafts.

My plan is to update as much as possible my journey of these new “skill sets” I would love to acquire. And where to go from there, I just don’t know. I guess as I further myself in skill, only time can tell.

College always steered us away from mixing our art work with our personal lives, like this blog being bluntly honest with my struggles, but that’s not who I am. I’m an honest person and this is me.