You know a lot of things I do, are through inspirations that come from the advice of people I hold close to my heart. People who I find are uniquely important to me. I’m driven to make people proud. To show them me. To show them I took their advice and ran with it. To prove a lot of things. Isn’t that what most people get their drive from? To prove or show certain people things you’ve accomplished for their genuine belief in you. It’s why we hang our kids crappy or non crappy drawings on our fridge at home. It’s why I have my nieces crayon drawing of us on my fridge. It has been there since Thanksgiving. We do things to show these certain people in our lives that we care and we believe in them. That we are proud of the things they have accomplished for themselves and for us.
The first huge change in my life, was when I decided to go to art school. The reason why I went, ultimately went unnoticed, mainly because it was “in memory of…” support that I neglected years ago from someone very important to me. I wanted to prove to myself, in their memory that I changed for the better, and that I chased my dreams in art and I could actually support myself. Well supporting myself actually is done for a few very important people in my life.
None of us are who we are today if it wasn’t for our past experiences and the people who have come through our lives or are still standing by our sides. Recently I took on another path in life because of someone important to me. Well what happens when the one person you want to show you’ve done well for yourself has lost interest, turns a cold shoulder like, what you’re doing with your life doesn’t matter to them, long after the inspiring helpful talks you’ve shared. You keep dropping hints that you want them to admire what you’ve accomplished even tho it’s not much but crappy paintings and pessimistic babbles of my struggles on self growth. The one thing they pushed me for, because I was ignoring my own advice of finding myself. But for the simple fact you, yourself are opening up and stepping out of your comfort zone in hopes of conversations and possible talks of creative ideas to continue the creative sparks, with someone who you thought meant something to you, and is now obsolete…what are you left with? That maybe this person that you believed in, that you thought believed in you, doesn’t actually care or never cared for that matter. False beliefs. I feel like a lil kid who’s crayon drawing got a shock and awe and into the garbage. “oh that’s nice sweetie” - says parent as they toss artwork in trash can. Or that raised grade you studied so hard to change is rewarded with “About time you raise your grades!”
But before I wallow in self doubt and sadness because that “one person” that got me started on all this doesn’t care anymore, I have come to realize how many people actually do care. I have so much support and love from friends I didn’t think were around. This is really truly inspirational to me. I honestly can’t believe how many people actually read my physcho babble. Or actually “LIKE” my paintings! There are far more important people out there to me than I actually thought. And I’m grateful for the crowd of supporters I didn’t know I actually had. I still have no idea where I am headed, but I haven’t given up trying to figure it out. Thank you all for being my inspiration and my drive. It truly means a lot to me!