Back to the drawing board...

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New Direction

So I've been falling for quite sometime. Struggling with this whole new turning point in my life. Confused and lost with no sense of direction. Trying to find who I am as an artist.
Step one : Get yourself out there. So I made this website.
Step Two: Find out the skills that are needed in the field. So I began trying to figure out my weaknesses and strengthen them. Typography. But instead I took on painting. Which actually became a huge benefit.
Step Three: Start a blog. Except I’m doing it all wrong. I made this blog into a public journal of my journey of self growth.

When I hit rock bottom again, few months ago, I started to analyze what I was trying to accomplish. And I was missing the big picture. When I go to apply for jobs, whether it’s freelance or corporate offices, they don’t want to see “growth of new skills” they want to see what I “CAN DO”. I have no work past college. The big question is why have I stopped designing digitally? I went to school for it and here I am learning new skills like it’s going to get me far. I have been so blinded. Probably why I haven’t been able to nail a design job.

I put away my paints for about a month while I pondered my life. Again. Meanwhile consuming myself in listening to music, my depressed mind would always do what my mind does, and has always done; I get emotionally attached to the words and rhythm of the songs I listen too and I create imagery or music videos in my head. At one point, when I first started college I spoke about the idea of wanting to create that imagery. But soon after I learned I was a terrible photographer ( after my photography 101 class ) that idea slowly dissipated. Not to mention Graphic Design at Kendall College was very “Advertisement based”, as if those were the only design jobs out there….True? To a point yes. So My design needs for feelings and emotions, (which is why I always wanted to become an artist - gain skills to pull these ideas out of my brain) seemed obsolete and unwanted by the world because what I wanted doesn’t matter? It was now all about advertisement. Don’t get me wrong, I love designing advertisement but it’s not what I want to express myself in. I don’t understand why I always try to conform. There is no rule stating - yes this is what you need to design (ads only) and no you may not design for yourself in your free time. Not now, Not ever. I don’t know where I got this notion from. Unless I really did fall off the bandwagon in distraction and drive. I was a apart of an emotionally and mentally absuive relationship the entire time I was in college and a year after. I graduated two years ago. So I guess…..idk. Healing takes time.

I recently went through my My high school art (yes I have kept almost everything!) I have posters that I tried to express how I felt with songs I listened to and advertisements for snickers bars and music software as well as many album covers.

Following artists on Instagram, I have noticed many people do what I have always wanted to do. Expressive art. These artist also show their design process, and it’s astounding how easy it looks. I thought to myself; Geeze! I now have the skills to do what I have always wanted to do. I may not be able to take photos but hell can I ever edit them! Like I mentioned above, I don’t understand how and where I got lost in the idea of, “well if you can’t take good photos then you can’t create what you want. Or what you really want to design doesn’t matter. “ It’s like I was brainwashed - “Advertisements matters! It’s the only design path!!” - College

If I really think about it, When I started painting, I was hoping to get amazing at it so I could do what I’ve intended with graphic design- design with feelings and emotions. New skill, same purpose.
Same with wood burning and typography. I wanted to learn typography so I could hand draw the letters of the words I want, on my paintings or wood work so they look professional, clean and unique. Again - same purpose new skill.

If I didn’t have this friend to pick my brain and bounce ideas off of, I really don’t know where I would be in life. Probably walking in the wrong direction. Artless. Everything happens for a reason. Then there is my sister. Who I’ve bonded with tremendously this year and she’s been a huge support and help in my life. Well honestly she’s always been there for me, supporting and giving me advice. I just never really listened to her until now. I’m excited her and I are going to run a 5k on her birthday! I’m her workout buddy as well! I first denied her on the idea, but now I’m trying my best to make that happen. We are starting a fitness routine soon and I can’t wait for that. My plan to always be active and healthy is finally coming into place and I get to do it with her.

But anyways I’m taking on another direction. Well I’m going back to my soul purpose in all this. Something that was ignited in me way back in high school. Expressive art through my feelings and emotions that are derived from the music I listen to and my life experiences. And my sister is going to help me achieve this goal of designing feelings and emotions. She is going to be my model and my creative partner in this. My six month goal is to beef up this portfolio with new work from the skills I went to college for! hahaha. Oh Sherlock you’re a genius. [Face Palm]

Then with my new skills, painting…I have recently met someone at a beach, who happened to be looking for painters to paint peoples pets. And this business of his, has grown tremendously as well in West Michigan this past year or so. Granted, I have not painted any animals except those birds. But Hell, this opportunity came out of know where and if I didn’t know how to paint….well I do and I’m excited for be a part of this opportunity.

I just hope my depression and other life situations don’t get in the way of this goal. I really want to thrive in the art world. Yes I know I said I don’t like sitting behind a desk but, if I’m at a job I love and can call home, do you really think that working in an office will be terrible? I highly doubt it. When you love where and what you work for, the environment will be inviting and exciting and full of creativity. I just need to open my mind more and more each day. I also can’t let the negative experiences in my life determine the overall definition of a career path. Every company is different and has learning experiences. Sometimes we have to fall many times to get to where we need to be.

Just never stop trying.