This is about to get a little too personal…..

This isn’t suppose to be a personal journal about my personal life. It’s suppose to be my journey of becoming an artist. But today I am going off beat…Fully Personal.
In the beginning haha, anyways, I had a mental breakdown in October of 2018 which is what initially started this search for the sense of self along with this blog. I had a lot of undealt with trauma. So I was waking up and having 2-4 panic attacks a day…not anxiety attacks, I say those are mild and somewhat controllable. No, these were full blown, not able to breath or move panic attacks. Hyperventilating and vomiting. By beginning of 2020 life was becoming a touch more smoother. I began to feel the healing I’ve worked hard on. After my Vacation up north August 18th-28th 2020, I had a bit of a “spiritual awakening”. I came back feeling healed from all my past trauma. I felt so different. So awake. It was like seeing life for the first time. I even viewed people around me differently. It’s a complex feeling, reaching a higher level of self conscience. My gift of clairvoyance (Yes, I’ve had odd gifts my whole life) was heightened. Overall, I felt like I finally had a fresh start. One that was long overdue. But as soon as July 2021 hit, everything came crashing back down.

It started out with physical problems, to financial problems and most recently the loss of my paw daughter Dixie Pixie… I began feeling as if I have lost everything while I was trying to build everything, so I can be in a better place, mentally, emotionally and physically. But when the Fog is this thick from the dust of a crumbling old life so a new life can be built, it can become very hard to see and feel the positivity in anything. And sometimes venting helps clear that fog, just enough to remind myself what I am building.

So today I decided to rant my life and it current complications

At times It feels like my soul is trapped inside myself screaming to be let out of this half dead awakened vessel who’s consumed by despair and the inability to feel really anything because she is so numb from the imbalance her life is pumping within her. Her sadness, stress and anger look the same as her blank stare and the nothingness that ticks in her head. Making constant mistakes and not catching the vibrational signals the soul is trying to communicate that something isn’t right, because the fuzziness of her brain fog is too thick.

I need a vacation from my life. From existing.

I can feel the root of all this, when the soul is screaming to be let out, all the mind can think about is those high vibrations, traveling and the creation of art. Painting, digital art, photography, other art related endeavors. When the soul begs to be let out, those are the things she cries for and those are the things I can’t give to her. And it just f*cking sucks.

I am however trying a new self healing medley Lions Mane + Ashwagandha. So we’ll see what happens. I feel pretty good about it.